HALT: Making Space for Uncomfortable Emotions
H.A.L.T.
A ritual for attending to difficult emotions.
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”
There are two layers in many uncomfortable emotions: the feeling itself, and the judgement we have about that feeling. The first layer, the initial feeling, gives us information about our unmet needs. The second layer is an indication of our expectations of ourselves and what we think we should feel. When the second layer of an emotion is shame— because we think we shouldn’t be feeling the original “bad” emotion — it can prevent us from being able to name and address the true feeling and the underlying need.
For example, you might feel jealousy because you did not get promoted and your colleague did. You have an underlying (and valid) need to feel recognized for your efforts. However, your secondary emotion is discomfort because you have been brought up to believe that jealousy in a “bad” emotion. Your jealousy goes unacknowledged and manifests as pettiness and gossip about your colleague, damaging the relationship.
Or say you are feeling lonely and isolated (from a valid underlying need for human connection) but have a hard time acknowledging this because you are aware that your situation is relatively privileged compared to many others. You have the ability to pay for yoga classes and therefore feel that you should be able to Zen-queen your way through any stress life throws at you, in judgment or denial of your struggle.
When we don’t acknowledge uncomfortable emotions, it is impossible to address the underlying needs that they are trying to communicate.
Learning to acknowledge, name, and gently tend to uncomfortable emotions can be a superpower for wellbeing and emotional health.
Step 1: Notice the Trigger
When you notice an uncomfortable emotion, notice and label it, trying to steer clear of shame or judgment. You may notice emotional states like irritability, despair, anxiety, unexplained sadness, overwhelm, numbness, etc. Or you may notice your physical reaction like impulsive eating, substance use, shallow breathing, sharpness of tone with others, heightened heart rate, headache, clenched stomach, or extreme unproductivity.
Step 2: Pause and honor
Give space between stimulus and response, and for a moment allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without the need to immediately make it go away. Take deep breaths, and notice sensations of the body. Remember that to feel uncomfortable things is to be human. There is nothing wrong with you. Feelings are valuable messengers that point to your deeper needs and desires. Honor them.
Step 3: Interrogate H.A.L.T. needs
What is the underlying need behind this emotion?
Hungry: Am I physically hungry? Is my blood sugar low? Is what I have eaten lately nourishing, or empty? Am I experiencing the physiological responses of hunger (brain fog, growling tummy, etc), or is some other need masquerading as hunger?
Angry/Anxious: Am I mad or upset at someone or something in particular? Do I feel that my boundaries have been violated, or that some injustice persists? Am I angry on someone (or something) else’s behalf? Am I afraid that something will or will not happen? What is the fear? Is it rational? Does it point to a deeper need that is unaddressed?
Lonely: Am I craving social connection? Intimacy? Physical touch? Someone to talk to and process with?
Tired: Do I just need to rest? Is the nature of my exhaustion mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, social, visual, or auditory? Am I tired of the need to be productive, or to self-optimize? Am I tired from internal or external pressures?
Step 4: Address
Set a timer, maybe for 10 minutes, maybe for 2 hours, and set aside your obligations. Allow yourself the space to tend* to the needs that are at the root of your feelings. Remember that the point is not necessarily to make the feeling go away, but to give it space to communicate what it needs-- what you need.
*Note: Eliminating vs. tending
There is a difference between tending to an emotion so that we may give space to its validity and its needs, and trying to “cure” ourselves of it. When we resist difficult feelings, when we try to “action” them away, we set ourselves up for feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy if we fail to make the feeling go away through our efforts, or if it comes back again later.
A key principle of this practice is acknowledging that it is okay to not be okay sometimes. You are not broken because you are feeling discomfort— in fact, it would be a red flag pointing to emotional suppression if you never experienced difficult emotions. Let difficult feelings be an invitation to gentle, tender, loving care, not an invitation to self-flagellation and relentless self-optimization to perfect our feelings. It’s okay to be messy sometimes. It’s part of being human.
“When we feel suffering, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong. What a relief. Finally somebody told the truth. Suffering is part of life, and we don’t have to feel it’s happening because we personally made the wrong move. ”
Part II. Strategies for tending to HAALT emotions
Tending to Hunger
Listen to your body to reconnect with the most common signs of hunger:
Stomach growling
Fatigue
Brain fog
Grumpiness
When our blood sugar is low, it affects our neurological ability to control impulses and regulate our emotions. (This is why starvation dieting is more likely to lead to binge eating than consistently eating small portions throughout the day).
If you are hungry, give your body the quality nourishment it needs.
Tending to Anger
Anger serves us by letting us know when our boundaries have been violated, when we feel mistreated or disrespected, or when something is not right about the world we live in. Let anger serve as fuel for defense and protection- of yourself and the causes you care about.
Communicate your boundaries
Communicate when you feel disrespected
Commit to healing or removing sources of toxicity in your life
Identify what is within your control and what is not (or what is in someone else’s control and what is not)
Make an action plan for those items within your control
Tending to Anxiety
Anxiety emerges when we are focused on fears about the future. It serves us by helping us to prepare for possible danger and to tend to social relationships. It can cause distress when we fill in the blanks of uncertainty with assumptions about what will happen or others’ feelings.
Interrogate your fears. Are they realistic? Are you making assumptions? Are you trying to read other people's minds? Are you generalizing or falling prey to other thinking traps?
Bring your attention away from the past, future, or events happening far away, and concentrate on the here and now. Notice the sights, sounds, and sensations of this moment. What is there to celebrate? What is going right?
Make a list of things you have to look forward to in the future. What would happen if everything went right?
Interrogate the assumptions you may have about expectations that others have of you. Is the pressure internal or external? Is it real or imagined?
Be gentle in your expectations of yourself. Give yourself permission to do something imperfectly, late, or not at all. If necessary, confront the expectations that others have of you and re-establish boundaries.
Tending to Loneliness
The belief that needing others is a sign of weakness or neediness has led many to not seek connection when they need it, despite the fact that humans are hardwired to connect. Loneliness serves us as a reminder that we need others to thrive, whether this comes in the form of attention, comfort, companionship, or physical connection.
Ask for a hug. Hugging and all types of desired physical contact release the hormone oxytocin (sometimes known as the cuddle hormone) and reduces the stress hormone cortisol which controls heart rate and blood pressure.
Call a friend or family member, and leave a message if they don’t pick up letting them know you’re thinking of them. Consider specifically letting your loved one know that you are feeling lonely, as ask if they can make time to connect.
Write a letter, email or thoughtful text message.
Drop in on your neighbors.
Plan a social gathering.
Join or attend a meeting of a community or club, such as a religious service, exercise group, or Meetup.
Listen to an old voicemail from someone you cherish.
Try out a new dating app, some of which have an option for platonic friend searches, like Bumble BFF.
Tending to Tiredness
Our society seems to value both rising early and getting a good night’s sleep, which can be contradictory and unhelpful standards of perfectionism, especially for those with natural night owl patterns of chronobiology. Rather than participate in the glorification of exhaustion, listen to the signs that your body gives you about what kind of rest it needs.
Other ways to rest besides sleep:
Turning off screens, devices, or media
Taking a slow, gentle, and technology-free walk
Sitting in nature
Drinking tea and staring into space
Meditation (cross-legged, seated in a chair, or lying down)
Stillness and quiet, a break from stimulation, closing your eyes
Gentle stretching or yin yoga
Doing something “unproductive” without feeling guilt
A break from responsibility
Delegating something on your to-do list, or deciding what doesn’t actually need to be done at all, done now, or done well.
Rubbing your hands together to create heat and placing your palms on your eye sockets and face (a practice from kundalini yoga known as palming)
Additional Resources
Book: When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön
Article: How Self Care Became So Much Work
Article: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation
Fridge Printout: Emotions Wheel